Book Review: The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopink

If like me you have read half of the “parenting” section at both Chapters and your local library, this book may very well be what you have been looking for this entire time. In fact, you may never feel the need to browse that section ever again. Alison Gopink paints a wonderful picture of what parenting looks like to the majority of us. From the basic psychology behind why we choose to become parents in the first place, to the not so simple evolution of parenting itself. Her honest writing is so relatable and yet brilliant in how she’s able to capture our somewhat flawed outlook on the subject. Using her vivid juxtaposition of carpentry and gardening to highlight the differences in parenting styles, creates an intriguing contrast. This beautiful metaphor of parents being but gardeners, with children of course being the plants, guides us continuously throughout the book and ties together both the history of parenting and her theory on why non-parenting is what helps our “gardens” flourish.

The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopink

I have always felt that having my children was meant to be. Not because it felt natural and I eased into the job with comfort and acceptance, but because it was so completely the opposite of that. I wondered regularly if I was making the right choices. I bounced from one parenting technique to the next, unsure of which decisions would help create strong resilient humans out of my adorable, chubby, little babies. This soon became my quest; I would find the right formula to create these amazing individuals and I would read as many books as I could to help get me there. Up until very recently, before reading The Carpenter and the Gardener, I was still convinced this was something I could control.

From reading this book, I have been reminded that children, just like adults, are incredibly unique. And no matter how much we want to, the control we have over our children’s future and their place in the world is minimal.  Yet we somehow feel that there is an answer out there that will guide us through all the complicated ups and downs of parenting and the ever evolving context that is life. Coming from a parent who herself has ADHD, as well as children who are also blessed with what I feel is arguably one of the most misunderstood diagnoses, I understand just how complicated and unpredictable life with kids can be. What works for one may not work for another, and what I love about this book is that the focus is just that. There is no method or guideline that we all should be following because it should not be our job to mold and shape these little beings into some “outcome” that we want to see but are simply there to help cultivate and grow what already exists. Instead modifying the way that we behave and observe these amazing miniature versions of ourselves.

I highly suggest giving The Carpenter and the Gardener a read. Like me, it might help to let go of the desire to control an imaginary outcome and learn to have faith in the future, whatever the destination. At the very least it reminds us that we are all on different paths, so be kind to one another. After all, most of us are just inexperienced gardeners trying desperately not to wilt our incredibly precious plants.