Friendships & ADHD: What parents can do to help

Parents play an essential role in helping children develop friendship skills. As an ADHD coach, I often provide support and work with parents with children with ADHD. More often than not, their child’s lack of friendships is their greatest concern. It can be hard for parents to see their child not getting invited to birthday parties or asked for playdates. Children with ADHD are often energetic, creative and have lots of ideas. They want to have friends and be liked by the group, but often just don't know how. Kids with ADHD have trouble with friendships for all kinds of different reasons. Here are some of the reasons and a few ways parents can help.     

Kids with ADHD don’t always understand social cues, like tone of voice, body language or personal space.

Missing social cues. Kids with ADHD don’t always understand social cues, like tone of voice, body language or personal space. For example, they might stand too close to someone and miss the subtle cues to back off and give someone space. Perhaps they don’t always notice when someone has lost interest in the conversation or when their friend is feeling sad or upset. These things can make it hard to have good friends.

The good news is that parents can help by doing things like role-playing with their child what it looks like when someone is standing too close or losing interest in a conversation (they turn their body away, they don’t look at you), for example. Playing charades is a fun way to get kids to notice body language. Encourage them to become a “feelings detective” and see if they can figure out what people are feeling by looking at their facial expressions, body language, and what they are doing. Or, try choosing a picture book with vivid illustrations of characters and discuss how the character might be feeling based on their facial expressions.    

Impulsiveness. There are lots of ways impulsivity can impact friendships. For example, some kids may interrupt or butt into conversations or games or say things out loud as soon as they think of them – unfortunately this may come across as annoying or offensive to others. And, if your child speaks too much or too loudly or has trouble following a conversation, that could make them an easy target for being teased or excluded. When your child says something rude or offensive, rather than getting mad, help them understand how their words come across to others and how to be more empathetic.

To help with conversation skills, simply practice having conversations with your child! Show them what it looks like to speak and then listen to what they have to say, go back and forth, and be sure to ask questions and make comments connecting what they have just said. Model talking at an even pace and tone and redirect when they have gone off-topic. Most importantly, demonstrate what good body language looks like during a conversation (face the speaker, look at them). Practicing conversation skills can even happen while talking to friends and relatives virtually over ZOOM or Messenger Kids. 

Model talking at an even pace and tone and redirect when they have gone off-topic.

Your brother borrows your favourite game and when he gives it back to you, it’s broken! What I Message could you give? 

Solving Problems. Children with ADHD are prone to more conflicts because of their impulsive behaviour. One of my favourite strategies for conflict resolution involve ‘talking it out’ or teaching “I Messages” to express themselves. This is such a great tool because it gives kids a chance to assert their feelings and requests in a calm and productive way, rather than attacking or blaming the other person. This will in turn make the listener more willing to try and solve the problem.

Although this is often taught in schools as a way to independently resolve problems, it can also be used at home with siblings and parents. Start with “I feel..” (say how you’re feeling), “when you…” (state what they did), “next time can you please…” (say what you would prefer them do or provide a solution). Parents and children can practice giving I Messages to each other and role play different scenarios. For example, your brother borrows your favourite game and when he gives it back to you, it’s broken! What I Message could you give?  

Given social distancing measures and limited opportunities for social interactions it is more important than ever that kids continue to work on these important skills. Opportunities to practice friendship skills are everywhere and parents play a key role! 

Written By: 

Jaime Gaber, M.Sc., CCC | Little Oaks Psychology

Jaime Gaber holds an Honours Degree in Psychology and a Masters Degree in School and Applied Child Psychology. She is a Certified Canadian Counsellor with the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association and specializes in ADHD coaching. Jaime supports adults with ADHD and parents with children and teens with ADHD. She knows what approaches are best for a child with ADHD, and coaches parents on ways to foster children's executive functioning and behavioural and emotional regulation. Jaime is passionate about helping clients explore their challenges, strengths and opportunities for growth and change. Jaime practices from a practical, solution-focused and cognitive-behavioral therapy approach to mental health.